Play that Funky Music White Boy

Ok, so you've decided to Wog a long distance race. You got fit for your shoes, you've decided on what to drink your hydration method, you've got your outfit planned and you've started training. There is one important thing you've not done yet. In some ways it may be the most important step in the whole process. You need to select the songs for your ipod.

The first thing you have to decide is how long is it going to take you to Wog your way to the finish line and then know that that's how much music you need to put in your playlist. And yes, I do recommend a playlist. That way it's easy to swap out songs and just seeing the name can inspire you.

I call my playlist for the 1/2 marathon the very clever and witty "1/2 marathon music."

It's not just picking songs to fill up time. It's to create a soundtrack for your Wogging journey. However, speaking of soundtracks, it is in no way acceptable to have any music from "Chariots of Fire" on your playlist. Now that's not to say I'm not in favor of ironic choices because I am. Indeed the last song on my playlist is "The Closing Bell" from the Rocky soundtrack.

See, that's funny because it's only me listening to it and as long as I don't throw my arms up in the air no one has to know. It's just my own little inside joke.

Now a race has it's own flow and you should try to match the music to the mood. At the beginning of the race I like to have some peppy music. Some rock. I start with "Wake Up"by Arcade Fire. An awesome driving song to get the adrenaline going. As reality sets in that I have taken on something more than I probably should, I decide for some depressing music. I try to mix in some folk music and a little Blue October.

After that I try to get a mix of upbeat and irony so I have a little Gloria Gaynor via "I will Survive."

I kind of go back and forth like this between upbeat and depressing as that's how my emotions go. At around mile 7 I get really depressed. You see, I'm really tired and realizing that I'm only half way there. Also, I realize that I would only be 1/4 done with a full marathon. I've listened to some Gregorian Chant at this point and the song from Platoon when Willem Defoe gets shot. It's called Adagio for Strings for my classic music friends out there.

All this is interspersed with 80's rock. I don't know what it is about music from the 1980s but it really lends itself to exercise and athleticism. If in doubt go to any sports arena and count how many times you hear "The Final Countdown." Maybe it had something to do with all the spandex, headbands and muscle shirts people wore in the '80s. Sadly this applies to both men and women.

So get on your on your computers and go make those lists. And click here for a little ending credits music.

We're Gonna Wog Down to Electric Avenue and Then We'll Take it Higher!

So this morning I awoke to the sounds of pouring rain. And as all Houston-area Woggers know, this was a big deal. I got so excited that I put on some wick-away clothing and filled the spreader with fertilizer and quickly fertilized the lawn. The rain felt so good after I finished I just stood in the rain for a few moments feeling the strange sensation on my skin. I even got to watch stuff float down the street.

I thought about how nice it was to stand in the rain and how it would even be better to Wog in the rain. The problem was, as I looked at my watch, that I had about 15 minutes before I needed to be in the shower so as to be in church on time. What to do? What to do?

I came up with a brilliant idea. Better to Wog for 15 minutes in the rain than no Wog at all. As I thought this out more I came up with an idea so awesome I scared myself with its power, just a little bit.

I decided to see if I could run as fast as I could all the way around my block. Many of you will be able to see my fatal flaw right off the bat: In no way does "Wog" ever sound anything like "run as fast as I can."

Regardless, I took off with the idea still in my head that is the best idea I have ever had!

So off I go. And I flew like the wind. And by that I mean the wind on a very calm day. I was a beautiful sight to behold. Like a gazelle I flew for about 8 houses. And then my thoughts began to wander.

My first thought was "What the hell was I thinking? How could this ever have been seen as a good idea? A chimpanzee could have seen this coming."

My thoughts continued in this vein until I reached the end of my street and turned right. Technically at this point I was still going as fast as I could but words like gazelle would no long cross any one's mind. Indeed if anyone saw me their only thought would be to preemptively call 911. It was at this point I started to wonder why someone was using a pile drive at 7:45 on a Sunday morning in a suburban neighborhood. As I turned around to find the heavy machinery clearly not zoned for this area I realized that it was my heart making all this noise, and I considered the fact that this is what it sounds like when a heart explodes (either that or when doves cry - I've heard like three Prince songs this weekend).

I was now almost to the street behind me and I came to the realization that maybe I should reduce all engines to Wogging Power. This presents a few problems:

1. I'm embarrassed I can't sprint more than 100 yds.
2. I am really not near my house and my 15 minutes are quickly evaporating.
3. It has stopped raining and now is kind of like a sauna.
4. I wonder if I could catch a ride home on the unicorn running along beside me?

Ok, I made that last one up. But I was light headed enough to maybe hallucinate.I  think hallucinating would make long distance running better anyway. Sometimes it can get a little boring out there. Imagine if you did have a unicorn running beside you the whole time. I think everyone would enjoy that.

As I walked along the street behind my house I decided to slow down and smell the roses. Well, at least I slowed down, with the drought I doubt anyone has roses blooming right now. But I did notice how some houses looked and who had done some upgrades, who had given up on the lawn. I also noticed that this street seemed to last forever. How is this even possible. I mean there are the same amount of houses on this street as their are on mine. Yet I felt like I had been Wogging forever. The only answer I could come up with was someone had used the trick from Harry Potter to hide buildings that we Muggles can't see. Yes! This must be it. How cool is that, I live one block from the American Safe House for the Order of The Phoenix. Harry, Ron and Hermione could be anywhere. Maybe I could get Harry and Ron to teleport me back to my house and Hermione could nurse me back to health.

As I Wogged down the street that would never end my thoughts left the unicorn and were with my new love, Hermione. She and I continued our romantic Wog in the sauna discussing the finer points of why Barty Crouch's son had to come up with an elaborate plan to turn the Tri-Wizard cup into a Portkey instead of just saying "Hey Harry, could you pick up that book" one day after class.

I finally came to the end of magic street and reality came crashing back. I looked at my watch.Crap! I should have been in the shower 10 minutes ago and I still was four houses away from home so I finished how I began: Running as fast as I could.

So what's the lesson here boys and girls? First, I need to remember who I am. I'm a Wogger dammit. Second, I have way too much time on my hands. Next, I have a total nerd crush on a fictional character and I'm ok with that. And our final lesson for today is: I have a long way to go to get in good shape.

I hope you all start the week well. Talk to you in a few days Woggers